Check in from Tracy

My name is Tracy. I am 35 and have had a TBI for 15yrs. I have no friends or family and I’m looking forward to this sh*tshow being over. Everything I worked so hard for is gone, only to be replaced by isolation and being used by those that take any time for me. Not sure what else to say. I’m miserable and clearly offer nothing to make for a pleasant or productive relationship.

I’m not sure how this works. Probably failed. I’m sorry.

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Hi Tracy, and welcome to Ben’s Friends! Not too many new users find this thread so fast, so I’m glad that you did.

Sharon from ModSupport

Hi Tracy, I definitely understand what you are feeling. I have been there. What has helped me get thru many times is getting involved in crafts because you can’t control people. But I’m thinking here we can find a camaraderie between each other. Good luck. Oh I’m Bette, new too!

Hey Tracy,
Welcome to Ben’s Friends.
No, you have not failed. In fact as Sharon states ‘…Not too many new users find this thread so fast…’ so that certainly is not a fail. I too was younger when I was involved in a car accident, nothing was identified at the time but as time passed by it was obvious to some that something was amiss. I was simply labelled as ‘A sh#t of a kid’, that was the easiest answer and I certainly lived up to that title :wink: But nothing was investigated.
So life went on for 20yrs and then things really went haywire. I worked my way up into a role I wanted, got myself a piece of paper, a qualification. I had a life. Then I got told I needed neurosurgery and everything stopped. Now what?
Post surgery I tried to continue on as before… …ohh what a mess… I thought ‘I’m gonna get on top of this’. I was very wrong. Everything had changed. My role could be fairly high pressure and I had to be flexible to deal with whatever arose but I couldn’t, I didn’t have the patience. If someone said the wrong thing at the wrong time often I’d erupt and I was forced to resign.
My life revolved around my work, once that was gone… …Now what?
Most of my friends were work colleagues and those that weren’t have disappeared. As for family, they all live in another country.
I am very fortunate in that my wife has stuck by me through all of the ups and downs of this journey and I’ve often questioned her as to why she stays. Life would be much easier for her without me as a dead weight but she disagrees.

My former life has gone. I can’t get it back. I’ve frustratingly tried to recover it but I’ve had to learn to accept it’s gone. And that’s not easy. Personally I couldn’t do it on my own, I had to ask for professional help from a psychologist because my mindset was all negative. I must admit at the time I didn’t see it like that, but in hindsight, yea, I was down on everything, especially me. I wanted the ‘Old Me’ back and I had to mourn that loss.

At times I’ve been down that dark hole of depression. A TBI changes your whole life and I could easily have stayed down in that ‘dark hole’. I had lost a lot, a hell of a lot but I decided to not focus on what I’d lost but rather what I still had and what I could still do. I’ve had to change how I do somethings and for how long I can do somethings for but the fact is I can still do things. One thing I know for me is I NEED to keep my mind occupied. If I sit down and think about the “before/after” I can fall back into that dark hole in a flash.So, I “TRY” not to go there. I say “TRY” because I’m not always successful but the reality is I can’t change what has happened. I know because I tried. I have to accept it and move on.

If anybody ever tells you this is an easy journey, they’ve never actually been here themselves to know. There’s lot’s of people out there with lot’s of advice but until you’ve actually been here the comprehension of our reality is near on impossible. We know this because we live it too. So come talk to us.

Merl

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Hi Tracy,
Not a fail at all. I think that’s what this board is for. The world doesn’t understand the nuances of what you (and we) experience on a daily basis. It puts us on a whole new track of life. We are your friends. I know I don’t know you, and can’t offer much but I care about you! I’m thankful that you’re here.

2 Likes

Hi Tracy, and welcome to Ben’s Friends!

You are not failed. Some People’s are doesn’t understand TBI.