You express, “I would prefer to just communicate via email as then this method would give me plenty of time before responding.” I agree as verbal communication humiliates me. If my communication becomes involved and complex I become high-strung. My nervous system turns into a high pitch, I start sweating, and then I cannot repress unconscious impulses. When nothing is clear or certain, my anxiety increases and also my aggression will increase. I become fearful to the degree I feel unsupported, which then triggers off unconscious impulses from childhood abuse. Also when I cannot maintain my identity in verbal conversation I become cynical about the value of relating to anyone.
Fear seems to make my mental connections go haywire, probably because it makes my mind delusional. When I feel this raw material it makes me feel I am missing out on many important aspects of life, especially relationships. This can make me feel utterly and permanently defective, which I will convince myself others regard me the same. So for me, I need to let go of my fear of failure and being humiliated. I am also letting go of feeling shameful and misunderstood, feeling people always let me down, and feeling inadequate and defective.
I have had to isolate, withdraw, which also turns my anger and aggression against myself. However, I have learned being “told” who I am not is learning to let go. I have had to learn to use this withdraw as an opening and to let go of my emotional issues. My letting go now feels like my failures are less a measure of my defectiveness than just pain crying out through the distorted mask of my rage. Letting go seems to be an opening and appears to allow something more essential touch this wounded self. Healing just becomes this place to begin, nothing more and nothing less, and the light of awareness unfolds, just like your meditation should be offering you.
Thank you for your presence Danielle and learning to observe yourself without judgement.