Wow, I appreciate you bringing this up, as I never gave it much thought about “Fight or Freeze”. I have fought so much, mainly exercising power to get things done, that I gradually persuade myself that human limitations did not apply to me. This became my denial and the unwillingness to acknowledge my suffering, neediness, and mental limitations. Now that I have burned my cells out and I cannot produce adequate energy for my muscles I feel lost. I can no longer exercise power to get the job done and nothing is left. This “nothingness” will do two things to me, as my body will suddenly spiral into a core of myself in shock or I will go into denial to protect myself from even more loss.
The shock and trying to protect myself makes me want to fight. I also can lock up and lock down when I feel other people considering me to be a nothingness. Family brings my nothingness to consciousness quickly and I feel distraught and unable to shake myself from it. I realize my own value should be without reference to anyone else, but reasons beyond me I get caught in the web where no ray of hope can intrude. Just writing this I can feel my tormented consciousness and maybe I am no longer saying no to life, yet directly or indirectly, despair and hopelessness is still a wound from within.
It also seems, rather than my getting caught in my being hopeless and cut off from life, it is recognizing your support and allowing me to feel a connection with you, though I realize there is differences between us. It seems this therapy of writing is not so much about my flaws and irrationalities, as it is touching this wound and letting it go. Maybe in the letting go wholeness begins and an opening is created in my nothingness, instead of turning on my rage or locking down.
Thanks for allowing me to face this raw material and allowing an opening to a hidden depths. Also thanks for your words and deeds that are used to support others.