These past two days have halted unfortunately feeling down with lack of self worth. Everything was looking so good as well. It’s like riding with the waves.
Sorry to say it like this but there are many holes to get stuck in on this journey as I’m sure you’re aware and self worth is one of the big ones. In life we make plans, design things around those plans and then BANG and it all evaporates. Then what??
Everything comes to a standstill and we’re left in our own headspace. I know for me being inside my own headspace going around and around in the same shit is not a good place to be. I seem to focus on all that I can’t do rather than what I can. I needed a change in focus, something outside of me. But how? I started making lists of what I could do. I already know what I am unable to do, I’ve rolled that over in my head numerous times and that just depresses me. But what can I do, then looking at the things I can do, how can I use them to achieve something. I can use a computer (seemingly lol ) so I went looking at online courses and signed up. The good thing with this was that I could do them at my pace. So today, I’m OK. But there is nothing to say that tomorrow I will be able to handle the glare of the monitor. Or that my headaches are going to keep me bedbound all day and this is where I found the online courses brilliant.
I have a tendency to go a bit ‘stir crazy’ doing the same thing day in day out, so I made a list of tasks. Some are more a wishlist than tasks, but on ‘good’ days I can aim to complete a part of them, not all. Some are too big to get done in a day (even on a good day), so I look at breaking them down into steps, practical steps. I ‘try’ not to aim too high. I find if I aim too high, then don’t reach my goal, I get down on myself, REAL down. I start beating myself up for what I haven’t succeeded in. IDIOT ME!! When in fact I should probably be congratulating myself for what I have done because 5yrs ago I was lucky to even be able to that much.
We can all beat ourselves up but there are people out there without brain injuries who can’t or won’t do things to improve themselves. But we are and for that we should be congratulated. Sure somedays we succeed and on other days we fail (and I fail badly I must say) but hell, we give it a damn good go and for us that, Danielle, is a monument in itself.
I know sometimes it can be difficult to see others doing everything they want and us being unable to, but I also know there are many people who could but now can’t anymore, ever, even if they did want to. We all have up’s and down’s and sure some of our down’s can be WAY down, but then tomorrow we can pick ourselves up, brush ourselves off and say 'Well at least I can today", that in itself is an up. Something I need to tell myself most days is 'Well, it could be worse…" and I can go thru all the ways it could be worse and think “At least I’m not there” and I know I could so easily be in a worse position, even in just not progressing as far as I have post surgery.
I do hope this makes sense and you can pull yourself out of the slump you are presently in. Things do get better, that’s even if you do doubt it at the moment and believe me I have moments of doubt too. I don’t believe anyone in our position couldn’t have those doubts. As I was told, “It’s normal”.
Riding the waves can be freeing, yet from my experience the waves can also create self-doubt and emotional vulnerability. The waves can make person feel vulnerable and unsure of ourselves, and for me this can create shyness and then more vulnerability. So your feeling down the last couple days could be emotional vulnerability, which may mean becoming aware of who you are not rather than who you are. You may feel painfully self-conscious, like an outsider, and meeting people or making small talk may feel difficult. The natural life and the social life may feel like burden, which for me is where I project silence and aloofness.
I suggest you let the waves to teach you ways to let go. The waves should teach this richest part of your consciousness life and this place is just outside of your control. This being outside of conscious control, the waves, can be unsettling and yet as the consciousness learns to let go the water becomes this endless stream of positive and negative feelings about yourself and your place in the world. The water becomes spontaneous, mysteriously and just beyond your conscious control. This builds courage and the ability to accept.
I realize letting go of a conscious life may seem irrational, but letting go is mainly about letting go of being “told” who you are not. The letting go, symbolized by the waves, should create a sharp sense of unique otherness, as well as the otherness of everything. It is still your individual consciousness, but the awareness is much sharper and then your human behavior is much more in the light of larger questions. I suggest you just let go of all feelings of self-doubt and emotional vulnerability, feel the waves, and keep letting go of this consciousness.
And thank you for wanting to learn from everything and everyone.