Question TBI

I have a severe tbi. It has caused partial complex seizures sometimes secondary. As well as focal and generalized seizures. I have not had proper treatment in 15 years. Most doctors like to classify it as a mental illness. I guess my question is am I ruined. I know it sounds stupid, but I have no self control. Some of my frontal lobe seizures involve uncontrolled emotions. Weather its extreme crying or anger. I have ruined relationships, family bonds. Now I am to the point where id really just like to be dead. It sounds horrible but after the seizure has ended and I come back to myself the damage I cause is done. To me I understand I did wrong and I hurt people I love with angry outbursts. I cannot control medication. I will abuse it no matter how hard I try not too. My self control is gone. I don't know what doctor to see anymore I have tried for a long time to get better. Now I have lost the love of my life and I want to give up. I really think my brain is just wrecked and beyond getting better. Anyone know how or where to start to maybe get help. I see another neurologist on the 12. The seizure meds do not work. I have only tried depakote and benzos and a lot of pain meds. The doctors dont seem to believe how bad this plagues me. I was in a wreck spent 20 hours in a coma. My dti mri shows severe frontal lobe damage with focal gliosis. 3 micro hemmorages, and loss of integrity on both sides more than 20 percent on both. its replaced with spinal fluid. I dont understand what to do. I have seizure activity in various parts of my brain, but like I said its partial so they dont take it seriously. Any advice or help is greatly appreciated as I am getting close to the end of the road. Thanks.

Don't give up. You ARE starting to get help; seeing a new neurologist is taking action--positive and productive.

I can relate. We're kindof wired to believe that once a sickness or injury happens we get better over time and eventually back to normal. It's strange having to deal with something where "old normal" simply isn't going to be possible.

And I'm convinced emotional impairment has to be one of the worst things that can happen to someone. Yeah, it can severely harm/damage our relationships with the people we love and depend on most. And I know what it feels like to not want to go on...

I don't have answers. Probably the first thing I had to learn was to simply shut-up and be still. No matter what I was feeling or experiencing. Just do nothing. It may sound easy to others, but this was incredibly difficult, but probably the very best thing I did in improving my situation, relationship with others, etc. I'm still far from perfect, still experience all the emotions so that hasn't improved, but much better than before at dealing with them by just doing and saying nothing.

The next thing that helped was trying to figure out ways that I could feel like I was contributing, helping, doing something worthwhile for those around me. My attitude about wanting to go on (or not wanting to) has improved significantly once I was able to do this even in small ways.

I still hate the idea of many years in front of me feeling lousy all the time, dealing with all my difficulties (mental, physical and emotional) day after day, etc. But I can tell you for a certainty that life is worthwhile and that there are things you can do to make a difference.