I have read that a traumatic brain injury (TBI) is now closely associated with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). I have also read PTSD is associated with a moral injury. These words are weak for me, as it is more like a brain injury is moral torture. I say this because when my mental connections are going haywire and the madman is attacking within I have grandiose delusions. These delusions have a life of their own. Then, as a result of this, I will project my fear and aggression onto others. My projecting my fear and anger onto others does not happen near so much now, and yet for some reason my mind is finding nothing true or valuable to believe in. It seems senseless and useless.
Because of the senselessness and uselessness I still experience my aggression and anger against myself or others. It is no simple on-off switch. It is like my TBI and PTSD are deep states of reactivity, deep states of self-alienation, suffering, and self-destructiveness ---- and everything in between. I feel caught in a web of illusions and the torture is more reactivity, self-destructiveness and compulsivity. The extreme torture is being “told” who I am not, even by my own brain, and then the madman attacks.
Maybe my flaws and irrationalities, even within my burning rage, are not merely incidental to who I am. It is just seems this raw material makes my brain unable to filter this TBI and PTSD into a accepting my powerlessness. I say this because my rage is pointing directly at the powerlessness and nothingness. The real powerlessness is teaching this madman to not impose patterns and projecting an enormous idea onto every circumstance. So within my mental torture I just needed to write so I could let go. It is my way of finding space within my torture.
Thank you for allowing me to be direct, no matter how unseemly and unflattering I may be, as this helps to find courage to accept.