My void from within and even these holes within me are not hard to understand. My difficult lesson is this void is difficult to act on, either I am in denial or I fight aggressively. These holes in my brain are a tyrant: opening up and closing down, struggling higher and slipping lower, feeling awake and then sleeping in my daydreams. I also feel like a creature of habit and it is difficult to remember anything beyond my recurring impulses, dreams and desires.
I realize the rhythm of acceptance. It offers a flow to it and it may be simple, opening up and letting go, but for some reason this acceptance feels like the wrong medicine. It is like I got to do something and if not I feel the shame in my “nothingness.” This acceptance is the possibly of change, even quickly, but my holes in my brain and in my emotions want me to fight these holes. The negative keeps rushing back in through my holes.
How does one not identify with these holes and not be yanked by impulses to fill these holes? Is there a taste of self-worth in these holes? If the holes let the light in, another way of expressing acceptance, why does my automatic forces want to work on this? Is acceptance no effort in my holes and I accept that I feel naked and deprived?
I can tell I am reacting here and struggling with my automatic forces. I just want something more in my reach, file the holes, and this is to much from the bottom. So this courage to accept is not primarily a feeling nor is it self-congratulation. It feels like being aware of my holes, even my aggressive feelings, without being alarmed by them. I accept satisfaction my holes, I accept my powerlessness and I also want to ignore what is wrong, even turn a blind eye to what I do not want to deal with.
So how is acceptance balanced without it becoming denial (refusal to fix the flat tire) or becoming overly aggressive (this powerful force to get the job done)?